CARS POWERED BY NATURAL GAS????

Okay, I know about the price of gasoline and the war on oil, but NATURAL GAS? They better make them air-tight and the a/c can't blow off of the engine or the defroster for that matter. And how do you get the gas out of you and into the car? Maybe we can just throw cabbage, beans and broccoli into the tank and it will make it's own gas. Or maybe they install a bucket under the drivers seat with a hose that goes to the engine. But can you imagine what the air will be like for those who have to walk or ride motorcycles. And for Pete's sake, don't try to light a cigarette out of doors or you might just blow up the place. I was talking with my sister an she said that she cooks with natural gas in her trailer. She might actually be a good cook if she used electricity but right now everything she cooks taste like...well she is still my sister so I shouldn't judge.

There must be some other solution to our power problem without stinking up the world. Maybe I could put a kid on the roof with a beanie on his head and get wind power. Then again, after what Romney did to his dog, maybe not. I'll have to think on this some more and get back at ya.
Stella

A COUPLE OF KITCHEN TRICKS...

Not those kinds of tricks, I would have to change the rating if I told you about those. I'll save those for Diary of a mad drag queen. No practical advice to help you and maybe others at the same time. Oprah has assured me that even if you are not using your kitchen appliances at this minute, they are still drawing energy, that we pay for. So I unplug them when not in use. Okay, that was easy, except my coffee pot and electric can opener both have black cords and I am forever plugging in the can opener and wondering why the coffee is not brewing. The light in my brain went on! All of those bread twists that I have been hording now have a function. Wrap one around (not under) the plug on the one you use the most and TADAA. Sure I could use even less energy if I used that hand job (no pun intended) but why take a chance on breaking or chipping a nail???
And speaking of can openers, please take the following seriously. After opening a can and emptying the contents, put the lid in the can and then squeeze the top closed to keep the lid in the can. One night I kicked a trash bag (get real it was an accident) and a lid cut thru my pantyhose and cut my toe. Anyone caring the bag to the curb could be in danger, the trash man and anyone that walks around the trash dump, including hungry animals, could be hurt and it only takes a minute to be safe. Auntie Stella

THIS IS ONE FASHION THAT I DON'T LIKE

Anyone who really knows Stella knows that she is an ASS MAN, I mean WOMAN, yeah Woman. This new style of wearing pants sagging is killing me and depriving me of the look of a nice butt here or there. But fear not, I have found a cure and maybe it will work for you also. First you must find a water pistol that looks real and fill it with half water and half vinegar (like you do when you are training a cat). Then walk down the sidewalk and especially watch for the ones holding their pants up with their hands. Squirt them in the face with the solution that will only sting and not hurt them and when their pants fall use your cell phone to snap a picture and email it to all of your friends, including me. Then run like hell. His pants are down so you have a head start. Your heart will be racing and the rush of it all will keep your heart pumping great for a couple of days. Maybe by doing this we can make them start wearing belts and we will have done our job to make America pretty once again. Also, Walmart is a fun place to do this and to collect other fashion sloppy pictures. Squirt them just for the hell of it.
Okay, back to working on my book.
Stella

DREAMING ABOUT LUKE PERRY AGAIN, WHEW

Now that's the kind of dream that you just don't want to wake up from. As I've said before, I don't know if he is gay or not but for the purpose of dreams it doesn't matter. Last night were in that program "Jeremiah" it's one of those apocalyptic shows on the SYFY channel. I went blind but I still knew when he was around because I heard his voice. Having known him before I lost my sight I knew what he looked like so being with him again I could see him in my minds eye. But he wouldn't stop until he found a cure to restore my sight! My hero once again. The shame is that I woke up while thanking him and couldn't get back to sleep. To sleep perchance to...

Sometimes when I dream about him we are a team on several levels, I write movies for him or when he gets scripts from other people I'm there to help beef up his lines to give him a better shot at winning an Oscar. The dreams about him are the best for me, thinking maybe I knew him in another life or something because it sure as hell hasn't happened in this lifetime, yet.

A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE WITH STELLA DALLAS

Well Dear Fans, I have to tell you that the slacker who promised NANO that he would write 50,000 words during the month of November and only wound up with 20,022. He has promised that he will continue to write until his novel about me is in pristine shape and that he will be able to tell the world about me and make tons of money for the two of us. Question? Is 1% actually a good thing for me? He assures me that it is fair since all I have to do is talk about myself and I love doing that so maybe he's right. But I need some new clothes and it cost money to cover this lovely body of mine. Working the streets with sequined knee pads isn't cheap and it's depleting my income but then again they do get me noticed on the streets. Do you have any idea at all how uncomfortable they are to kneel in, it was bad enough having to sit on them. Any way, he says that he was sick and what with the holidays coming up he may not get back to the book until after them. This coming from a person who says his favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" doesn't really sound like he has the spirit. But he did get a good start on the book, lordy did he ask a lot of questions. But it was fun dredging up the past and remembering all of the fun things I have been accused of doing, LOL.
Stella

IDLE TIME

The last thing that you want to give a mad drag queen with a twisted sense of humor is idle time. I know because that's what happened to me yesterday and I went from drug store to drug store and department store to department store and played with all of the cosmetic samples that were on display. I have to tell you, the drug stores were the nicest and many of them knew drag queens so they weren't all that alarmed. But the department stores, especially the high end types were going crazy. All of these old broads, dripping in zircon trying to pass them off as diamonds and working as clerks were having conniption fits. "But you're a man, this if for women." was what I kept hearing. Then I explained that I wanted to get in touch with my feminine side and they were speechless and just let me play. No fun. So I started stopping other customers and asking their opinion. The clerks were contemplating calling security but not sure if they wanted to cause a scene and the customers, mostly women thought that it was cool that a man knew what they had to do to be beautiful and again just let me play while I was drawing a crowd. I got bored and left.

STELLA AND HER MEDICATIONS

Hi, Mikey here subbing for Stella. I spoke to her earlier today, they let her out of the straight jacket long enough to call. It seems that Ms. Stella doesn't like to take her psych medications and some times get a little bit crazy, this was not one of those times. After being off of her pills for 4 days, she got out her best red dress, nylons, shoes, and pill box hat with the red veil and then checked the obituaries and started hitting the funerals pretending to be a relative (and I mean that in the loosest of terms). She actually made it to 3 of them before becoming arrested. It seems that the wife had some not-so-nice things to say to out Stella and being the royal bitch that Stella can be prompted to be (we all know that she is not normally like that) told the wife that she was so glad that she kept all of the instant pictures and the home movies that they had made from all of those hotel rooms. The woman went off the wall and started calling Stella a slew of nasty names and so she fought back the only way she knew how. She jumped up on the coffin and started screaming, "Come on Harry, one more time for old times sake". And that was when the police arrived. With any luck the family will understand about her medications but the wife will always wonder. Mikey

WELL, AT LEAST IN ST. PETERSBURG, FL, WE HAVE THE IRISH VOTE

Mikey doesn't like to go out drinking on St. Patrick's day/night, he calls it amatuer drinking. So, I put on my Colleen the Irish maid outfit, with the Shamrock shaped knee pads (I have them for every occasion) and I set out for the bars. When you drink Irish coffee it does crazy things to your body, caffeine and booze don't mix. But it kept me up all night (so to speak) and we sang Irish songs by the piano at one bar (actually I was under the piano) then I hit some of the other bars around town. Lesbians were falling in love with me, and I had the leather men on their knees praying to be wipped. (Who knew that could be so much fun?) And then there were the preppy bars. They were not sure what to make of Miss Stella, but I managed to convince them that Mikey was the best candidate out there. One person, a very inteligent man I must admit, said that if Bill Clinton had met me instead of Hillery and or Monica, he would still be president. It is hard to argue with that kind of logic.

April Fools day is just around the corner and I have been making a list of tricks. But Mikey says that you are suposed to pull pranks, not tricks. No wonder he sleeps alone. I have a couple of shout outs to do here. Jen, bring Ker up to date, this date, and let him really take a walk on the wild side. Don't let him go to Dorothy, he would kill her, he needs a real wild woman, someone like Stella that can teach him a few new tricks. And Sandy, about those bookings? Not to worry, I will give Nigel back when I am finished with him, and his brother. And I can do a little mind control on my own so you need not worry for my sake. I also keep a bottle of garlic powder in my purse. Babs, June is not that far away and we need to help the Grads and the Dads celibraite and drum up some more votes for Mikey. Are you down for that girl. Gussy up and bring the firewater.
Love you all,
Stella
p.s. Grandma Jeni, you are being awfully quiet these days, what is up with that, Don't let Stella scare you off, I will be going back to DC soon.

WHY WOULD ST. PATRICK CHASE THE SNAKES AWAY?

Those poor snakes, especially the one eyed variety, driven out of Ireland. Thankfully, many of these found their way to the USA and Florida especially. Stella likes the Irish boys (18+ so they can vote). Got some comments and questions to discuss. Katie (must be Irish), sorry that I haven't had the chance to read you story line yet, but as for me, I never found myself in a situation that I couldn't blow my way out of. Not that I really tried, mind you and the real reason tha shaws were invented was to keep the knees dry and comfortable. And while I'm not quite sure what you mean by too far or too much, well there are some things that you just can't have too much of, chocolate, money and men come to mind right away. And I will let a man know if he tries too far (at that particular moment). Hope that helped.

Jen, Be nice to Dorothy. I have gotten to know her better with our plans to go cross country together. Turns out we like different kinds of guys so we are cool. And if she wants that old Irish Duke, I say go for it. He is kinda hot, but actually a little old for me. I don't understand why Lorcan is his second, I would make him my first (lol). And it is not that you are really a bad influence on Mikey, but it seems that he just doesn't want to go out of the house and chasing the men like he used to do. Once upon a time he has so many notches on his belt that he had to get a new one. Men used to chase him like he had money falling out of his pockets. Good looking men. Now all he wants to do is write. The story of his life will have to wait though, mine comes first. Then I will write my memories of my days (and nights) as the first lady. Stella

PICKING A PARTY

Mikey left me a note telling me that we have to pick a party affiliation and he wants to something different than the usual Democratic, Republican and Independent Parties. Well hell, I'm up for almost anykind of party as long as there are a lot of hot men there. But then I figured out what he ment (boring). He says that he is thinking of starting "THE WRITERS PARTY" and now we just need some slogans to go along with it and he asks that you give him any ideas that you might have. Okay, think about it because all I can think about is my inaugural ball gown. Mr. President here says that red is only for bullfighters and whores. I am sure that there is a point there that I am missing. And shoes, Omar might be able to make the gown, but where the hell am I going to get shoes? The feet we share swell up like crazy. Mikey says that keeping my legs in the air will bring the swelling down, like I didn't know that, but what about my feet? I guess I could pack them in ice.

I have been thinking about the rose garden. Can't we just have flowers delivered and plant vegetables out there? That would be great and we could feed the poor when they come to visit the White (I mean Lavender) House tours. Do they make bib overalls in red I wonder. And a big straw hat. Mikey and I haven't discussed that much, but he was trying to 86 it from my agenda. And some chicken coops so that we could have fresh eggs every morning, some hogs so that the bacon and sausage would be fresh. Mikey is a really great cook, some of you have heard him talk about that and for sure, he didn't get that fat by accident.

Get thinking about a slogan for his Writers Party and let me know and I will pass them on to him when he wakes up from his headaches. Stella, future First Lady

Mikey for President, Stella for First Lady

Okay, Mikey and I have been talking (yes, it is possible in the wonderful world of schizophrenia), and he has decided to put out feelers, no not that kind, for a possible run for the White House (which he wants to paint lavender and have the Rainbow Flag flying under the American flag). What the hell, everyone else seems to be running and he couldn't possibly do any worse than W. In fact, he has been making a lot of sense (and that is just not like him as those who know and love him already know). His goals are not that far fetched, like whirled peas I think that is what he said but I did have a few cocktails and it might have been world peace. Whatever! So long as I get to be the First Lady or should I say, the First Queen (openly that is). Trust me when I tell you that the parties at the White (?) House will never be the same. He can handle the politics, honestly they bore me, but the parties are mine. I have already started planning and the guest list is going to be a gas. Elton may be the queen of England, but he ain't seen nothing yet.

Meanwhile, he is trying to pick out his cabinet (like there aren't enough cabinets in that place). They will all be there. His wish list includes: Rosey O'Donnell as his Home Land Security Secretary; Ellen DeGenerous as his Secretary of Defense (I wouln't want to get in her way, would you?); Secretary of the Treasury would have to be Oprah Winfrey, she keeps giving money away and is still richer than rich and the list just goes on. I would much rather go back to planning the parties. Red dresses in every shade and black pumps to die for. At his request, the furs will be fake but they better look real. This could be a fun next couple of years. Personally, I can't wait to hit the campaign trail, New York; San Francisco; Miami; Dallas; Los Angeles and Atlanta, get ready, Mike and Stella are on their way.