A COUPLE OF KITCHEN TRICKS...

Not those kinds of tricks, I would have to change the rating if I told you about those. I'll save those for Diary of a mad drag queen. No practical advice to help you and maybe others at the same time. Oprah has assured me that even if you are not using your kitchen appliances at this minute, they are still drawing energy, that we pay for. So I unplug them when not in use. Okay, that was easy, except my coffee pot and electric can opener both have black cords and I am forever plugging in the can opener and wondering why the coffee is not brewing. The light in my brain went on! All of those bread twists that I have been hording now have a function. Wrap one around (not under) the plug on the one you use the most and TADAA. Sure I could use even less energy if I used that hand job (no pun intended) but why take a chance on breaking or chipping a nail???
And speaking of can openers, please take the following seriously. After opening a can and emptying the contents, put the lid in the can and then squeeze the top closed to keep the lid in the can. One night I kicked a trash bag (get real it was an accident) and a lid cut thru my pantyhose and cut my toe. Anyone caring the bag to the curb could be in danger, the trash man and anyone that walks around the trash dump, including hungry animals, could be hurt and it only takes a minute to be safe. Auntie Stella

THIS IS ONE FASHION THAT I DON'T LIKE

Anyone who really knows Stella knows that she is an ASS MAN, I mean WOMAN, yeah Woman. This new style of wearing pants sagging is killing me and depriving me of the look of a nice butt here or there. But fear not, I have found a cure and maybe it will work for you also. First you must find a water pistol that looks real and fill it with half water and half vinegar (like you do when you are training a cat). Then walk down the sidewalk and especially watch for the ones holding their pants up with their hands. Squirt them in the face with the solution that will only sting and not hurt them and when their pants fall use your cell phone to snap a picture and email it to all of your friends, including me. Then run like hell. His pants are down so you have a head start. Your heart will be racing and the rush of it all will keep your heart pumping great for a couple of days. Maybe by doing this we can make them start wearing belts and we will have done our job to make America pretty once again. Also, Walmart is a fun place to do this and to collect other fashion sloppy pictures. Squirt them just for the hell of it.
Okay, back to working on my book.
Stella

STELLA AND HER MEDICATIONS

Hi, Mikey here subbing for Stella. I spoke to her earlier today, they let her out of the straight jacket long enough to call. It seems that Ms. Stella doesn't like to take her psych medications and some times get a little bit crazy, this was not one of those times. After being off of her pills for 4 days, she got out her best red dress, nylons, shoes, and pill box hat with the red veil and then checked the obituaries and started hitting the funerals pretending to be a relative (and I mean that in the loosest of terms). She actually made it to 3 of them before becoming arrested. It seems that the wife had some not-so-nice things to say to out Stella and being the royal bitch that Stella can be prompted to be (we all know that she is not normally like that) told the wife that she was so glad that she kept all of the instant pictures and the home movies that they had made from all of those hotel rooms. The woman went off the wall and started calling Stella a slew of nasty names and so she fought back the only way she knew how. She jumped up on the coffin and started screaming, "Come on Harry, one more time for old times sake". And that was when the police arrived. With any luck the family will understand about her medications but the wife will always wonder. Mikey

WHERE THE HELL IS MIKEY? I'LL TELL YOU

He has been working on that stupid book of his. Like someone wants to read his short stories. What he should be doing is writing about my life, because if he doesn't I may just decide to write a book about his life. See, he thinks that when I'm sleeping I don't know what he's doing. Wrong buffalo breath. Not only do I know what he did but I also know all of the people that he did it with. Trust me when I tell you that he doesn't want that to happen and neither do they by the way. A girl could probably make enough off of that book to get a whole new wardrobe, shoes and all. You know I'm going to give that some serious thought. He's not doing anything for me right now, kind of ignoring the girl.

And since Mikey decided not to run for president I've decided to put my name in for consideration for vice president. Hell I know more about vice, vice cops and Washington, D.C. than most and wouldn't be better to have me where I can do the best work for my country, what with the dignitaries from other countries. Plus, you can keep a better eye on me if you know where I am. And if you need a congressman or senator to agree with you, well I have my own powers of persuasion if you get my drift.
Kisses to you all,
Stella

NO DAY AT THE BEACH

Okay, so the other day I decided to take a trip to the beach. I live in St. Petersburg, Florida and the beach is just a hop, skip and a jump away and the more sun I get, the less make-up I have to wear and that makes life easier. I take the back roads because they're faster and less traveled but one cop had to be out there. I got pulled over and was asked for my license and registration. Well, there was one problem, I had the one made for me and I was dressed like Mikey. (It's just easier going to the beach, I'm sure that you understand. ) Right away he started getting hot under the collar, shame too because he was about 6'4", broad shoulders, small waist and blonde hair and blue eyes. Just my type. He said that the picture wasn't me and I assured him that it was only I had a lot more hair and make-up on at the time. Next he asked if I had been drinking and I said yes, diet Coke, see all of the empty cans on the floorboard. As he was looking he saw my 2 compartment medicine case marked am and pm and wanted to know what was in the case. I showed him that it was just my Xanax and Hydromorphone. He wanted to know if I just took one in the day time and the other at night. I told him no and he asked about the am/pm markings. I explained that one was for anger management and the other was for pain management. That was when he opened the door and told me to step out of the car.

He stood about 15 feet away from me and told me to walk straight towards him touching my nose with my index fingers one at a time. Well, I told him that I couldn't even think straight to begin with and in order to do as he instructed I needed a pair of pumps and he would have to put my BARBARA cd up loud. "So, are you trying to tell me that you are a drag queen?" He asked.
"I am a female illusionist," I corrected.
"Can you prove that?" He asked.
And I told him, "It would require you getting naked in the back seat of my car and be forewarned that from that point on the only donut that you will be interested in will be the one that you sit on."

I didn't make it to the beach that day or any day since, however, the big guy in blue and I have been seeing each other since. He's no Luke Perry or even a good substitute that can keep me on the phone for hours, but that long arm of the law is something that you have to experience first hand to really appreciate it.
Stella

ARE YOU LUKE PERRY???

Ever since I mentioned thinking about all of the things that I would like to do to Luke Perry's body I keep getting phone calls of all hours of the day and night from someone claiming to be Luke. He wants me to tell him all of the things that I want to do to his body. It can't be him, his voice has a nasal quality to it, unless of course he's now Clariton Clear. That would be a sell out and I don't think that he would want to change. Unless it was for me of course.

But this guy is really becoming a nuisance, keeping me on the phone for hours at a time. Okay, I'll admit that I like the phone sex thing, you don't have to get all dressed up or even take a shower for that. So I just pretend that it really is him and I tell him all of the things that I want to do to him or have him to do to me. Just kinky stuff, nothing perverted. In case you don't know the difference, kinky is when you use a feather and perverted is when you use the whole chicken. Stella is a southern gal and knows how to properly fry up a chicken. I ain't no Aunt Bea but then again, she can't do all of the things that I know how to do so we're even.

If you don't see anything posted here for awhile you will know that I am either out with Luke or the make believe Luke. I had also had a thing for David Duchovny for awhile and entertained thoughts of snagging him but I saw his wife in a movie and I might have to fight her for him. But since she looks too tough I decided to let him go.

Red heads are fickle, that's a known fact, so check in later and see who I am stalking currently or for more news on the Luke project, LOL.

Stella

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

Well it's that time of year again, the time when people ask "WHY DOES THE EASTER BUNNY HIDE HIS EGGS?" And Stella is here to give you the dirt. Its because he is screwing a chicken. I know, some of you are saying, "Stella, no, that can't be." But yes it's true, a very well kept secret until now, hell even the ones who make it past the egg stage are called "PEEPS".

My days of getting out there with the ankle biting rug rats are over. No more candy covered sticky fingers around my house. I don't do egg rolls (unless they come from the Chinese carry-out) and won't stoop for egg hunts. Actually, now that my girth has caught up with my age I don't stoop for anything anymore. Nope, when Easter comes along I go out and stock up on eggs and make more eggnog, lots and lots of eggnog. I use the one dozen egg/one gallon of rum recipe.

Then draw the drapes, lock all of the doors and put on my Perry Como records while I read the expose of Clark and Lois by Perry White and dream about all of the things I want to do to Luke Perry's body. Like he could keep up with me. Just because he was on OZ for awhile, doesn't mean he can keep up with the likes of me but I would be willing to give him a try. Just in case any of you out there know him, feel free to pass on the message.

So enjoy your day with the family, eat your green ham and colored eggs and think of me sitting in the living room in my lounger and wearing my Easter bonnet and getting snookered on eggnog.

Love, if you need it,
Stella

THINKING ABOUT MY FUTURE

Dear Adoring Fans; Been out of the loop taking care of Mikey for awhile, he has been under the weather lately. And this got me to thinking, yes there is a brain under this redneck red hair. What if he decides to drop out of the race and throw his support to someone else? I don't get to be first lady and that is not sitting well with me. The only candidate I would even think of shacking up with is John Edwards and he is married. Then it dawned on me, Hillery is going to need a first lady. I can't piture Bill Jeff in a dress, unless he was trying to get into mine and I would help him.

Rumor has it that Hillery might actually be playing for our team and that would mean she wouldn't require sex from me and that would just about be great. But I will have to insist on picking my own secret service guys (and believe me, there will be some secrets to tell). I really want Mikey to see this thing all the way thru, but just in case. Any thoughts on the subject?
Stella

WELL, AT LEAST IN ST. PETERSBURG, FL, WE HAVE THE IRISH VOTE

Mikey doesn't like to go out drinking on St. Patrick's day/night, he calls it amatuer drinking. So, I put on my Colleen the Irish maid outfit, with the Shamrock shaped knee pads (I have them for every occasion) and I set out for the bars. When you drink Irish coffee it does crazy things to your body, caffeine and booze don't mix. But it kept me up all night (so to speak) and we sang Irish songs by the piano at one bar (actually I was under the piano) then I hit some of the other bars around town. Lesbians were falling in love with me, and I had the leather men on their knees praying to be wipped. (Who knew that could be so much fun?) And then there were the preppy bars. They were not sure what to make of Miss Stella, but I managed to convince them that Mikey was the best candidate out there. One person, a very inteligent man I must admit, said that if Bill Clinton had met me instead of Hillery and or Monica, he would still be president. It is hard to argue with that kind of logic.

April Fools day is just around the corner and I have been making a list of tricks. But Mikey says that you are suposed to pull pranks, not tricks. No wonder he sleeps alone. I have a couple of shout outs to do here. Jen, bring Ker up to date, this date, and let him really take a walk on the wild side. Don't let him go to Dorothy, he would kill her, he needs a real wild woman, someone like Stella that can teach him a few new tricks. And Sandy, about those bookings? Not to worry, I will give Nigel back when I am finished with him, and his brother. And I can do a little mind control on my own so you need not worry for my sake. I also keep a bottle of garlic powder in my purse. Babs, June is not that far away and we need to help the Grads and the Dads celibraite and drum up some more votes for Mikey. Are you down for that girl. Gussy up and bring the firewater.
Love you all,
Stella
p.s. Grandma Jeni, you are being awfully quiet these days, what is up with that, Don't let Stella scare you off, I will be going back to DC soon.

WHY WOULD ST. PATRICK CHASE THE SNAKES AWAY?

Those poor snakes, especially the one eyed variety, driven out of Ireland. Thankfully, many of these found their way to the USA and Florida especially. Stella likes the Irish boys (18+ so they can vote). Got some comments and questions to discuss. Katie (must be Irish), sorry that I haven't had the chance to read you story line yet, but as for me, I never found myself in a situation that I couldn't blow my way out of. Not that I really tried, mind you and the real reason tha shaws were invented was to keep the knees dry and comfortable. And while I'm not quite sure what you mean by too far or too much, well there are some things that you just can't have too much of, chocolate, money and men come to mind right away. And I will let a man know if he tries too far (at that particular moment). Hope that helped.

Jen, Be nice to Dorothy. I have gotten to know her better with our plans to go cross country together. Turns out we like different kinds of guys so we are cool. And if she wants that old Irish Duke, I say go for it. He is kinda hot, but actually a little old for me. I don't understand why Lorcan is his second, I would make him my first (lol). And it is not that you are really a bad influence on Mikey, but it seems that he just doesn't want to go out of the house and chasing the men like he used to do. Once upon a time he has so many notches on his belt that he had to get a new one. Men used to chase him like he had money falling out of his pockets. Good looking men. Now all he wants to do is write. The story of his life will have to wait though, mine comes first. Then I will write my memories of my days (and nights) as the first lady. Stella

PICKING A PARTY

Mikey left me a note telling me that we have to pick a party affiliation and he wants to something different than the usual Democratic, Republican and Independent Parties. Well hell, I'm up for almost anykind of party as long as there are a lot of hot men there. But then I figured out what he ment (boring). He says that he is thinking of starting "THE WRITERS PARTY" and now we just need some slogans to go along with it and he asks that you give him any ideas that you might have. Okay, think about it because all I can think about is my inaugural ball gown. Mr. President here says that red is only for bullfighters and whores. I am sure that there is a point there that I am missing. And shoes, Omar might be able to make the gown, but where the hell am I going to get shoes? The feet we share swell up like crazy. Mikey says that keeping my legs in the air will bring the swelling down, like I didn't know that, but what about my feet? I guess I could pack them in ice.

I have been thinking about the rose garden. Can't we just have flowers delivered and plant vegetables out there? That would be great and we could feed the poor when they come to visit the White (I mean Lavender) House tours. Do they make bib overalls in red I wonder. And a big straw hat. Mikey and I haven't discussed that much, but he was trying to 86 it from my agenda. And some chicken coops so that we could have fresh eggs every morning, some hogs so that the bacon and sausage would be fresh. Mikey is a really great cook, some of you have heard him talk about that and for sure, he didn't get that fat by accident.

Get thinking about a slogan for his Writers Party and let me know and I will pass them on to him when he wakes up from his headaches. Stella, future First Lady

Mikey for President, Stella for First Lady

Okay, Mikey and I have been talking (yes, it is possible in the wonderful world of schizophrenia), and he has decided to put out feelers, no not that kind, for a possible run for the White House (which he wants to paint lavender and have the Rainbow Flag flying under the American flag). What the hell, everyone else seems to be running and he couldn't possibly do any worse than W. In fact, he has been making a lot of sense (and that is just not like him as those who know and love him already know). His goals are not that far fetched, like whirled peas I think that is what he said but I did have a few cocktails and it might have been world peace. Whatever! So long as I get to be the First Lady or should I say, the First Queen (openly that is). Trust me when I tell you that the parties at the White (?) House will never be the same. He can handle the politics, honestly they bore me, but the parties are mine. I have already started planning and the guest list is going to be a gas. Elton may be the queen of England, but he ain't seen nothing yet.

Meanwhile, he is trying to pick out his cabinet (like there aren't enough cabinets in that place). They will all be there. His wish list includes: Rosey O'Donnell as his Home Land Security Secretary; Ellen DeGenerous as his Secretary of Defense (I wouln't want to get in her way, would you?); Secretary of the Treasury would have to be Oprah Winfrey, she keeps giving money away and is still richer than rich and the list just goes on. I would much rather go back to planning the parties. Red dresses in every shade and black pumps to die for. At his request, the furs will be fake but they better look real. This could be a fun next couple of years. Personally, I can't wait to hit the campaign trail, New York; San Francisco; Miami; Dallas; Los Angeles and Atlanta, get ready, Mike and Stella are on their way.