SHOULD I RUN FOR PRESIDENT??????

During the last election I was going to support Mikey's bid for president but all he did was mess around with the secret service and Obama won. But now I'm thinking that it might be Stella's turn for several reasons. First off if Palin and Bachman have done it how hard could it possibly be? Plus there are all of those hot guys out there on the campaign trail. My heart will always belong to Luke Perry but that cowboy Perry looks like he might be a fun ride, if he can hold on for the whole ride, LOL. And I don't actually expect to win but Palin taught me that I could buy lots of new clothes with the campaign funding and shoes and bags of course. Plus, at the end of it all I can get some sweet book deals, hell even the witch who isn't a witch is out there now plugging her book (Christine O'Donnell-really, that nitwit can write??)

Of course I will have to help Mikey get his books published too so he doesn't come out with a tell all book. Not worried about my reputation mind you, but I would miss all of those blackmail payments that show up in the mail each month. SO, I'm thinking.........

THIS IS ONE FASHION THAT I DON'T LIKE

Anyone who really knows Stella knows that she is an ASS MAN, I mean WOMAN, yeah Woman. This new style of wearing pants sagging is killing me and depriving me of the look of a nice butt here or there. But fear not, I have found a cure and maybe it will work for you also. First you must find a water pistol that looks real and fill it with half water and half vinegar (like you do when you are training a cat). Then walk down the sidewalk and especially watch for the ones holding their pants up with their hands. Squirt them in the face with the solution that will only sting and not hurt them and when their pants fall use your cell phone to snap a picture and email it to all of your friends, including me. Then run like hell. His pants are down so you have a head start. Your heart will be racing and the rush of it all will keep your heart pumping great for a couple of days. Maybe by doing this we can make them start wearing belts and we will have done our job to make America pretty once again. Also, Walmart is a fun place to do this and to collect other fashion sloppy pictures. Squirt them just for the hell of it.
Okay, back to working on my book.
Stella

DREAMING ABOUT LUKE PERRY AGAIN, WHEW

Now that's the kind of dream that you just don't want to wake up from. As I've said before, I don't know if he is gay or not but for the purpose of dreams it doesn't matter. Last night were in that program "Jeremiah" it's one of those apocalyptic shows on the SYFY channel. I went blind but I still knew when he was around because I heard his voice. Having known him before I lost my sight I knew what he looked like so being with him again I could see him in my minds eye. But he wouldn't stop until he found a cure to restore my sight! My hero once again. The shame is that I woke up while thanking him and couldn't get back to sleep. To sleep perchance to...

Sometimes when I dream about him we are a team on several levels, I write movies for him or when he gets scripts from other people I'm there to help beef up his lines to give him a better shot at winning an Oscar. The dreams about him are the best for me, thinking maybe I knew him in another life or something because it sure as hell hasn't happened in this lifetime, yet.

A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE WITH STELLA DALLAS

Well Dear Fans, I have to tell you that the slacker who promised NANO that he would write 50,000 words during the month of November and only wound up with 20,022. He has promised that he will continue to write until his novel about me is in pristine shape and that he will be able to tell the world about me and make tons of money for the two of us. Question? Is 1% actually a good thing for me? He assures me that it is fair since all I have to do is talk about myself and I love doing that so maybe he's right. But I need some new clothes and it cost money to cover this lovely body of mine. Working the streets with sequined knee pads isn't cheap and it's depleting my income but then again they do get me noticed on the streets. Do you have any idea at all how uncomfortable they are to kneel in, it was bad enough having to sit on them. Any way, he says that he was sick and what with the holidays coming up he may not get back to the book until after them. This coming from a person who says his favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" doesn't really sound like he has the spirit. But he did get a good start on the book, lordy did he ask a lot of questions. But it was fun dredging up the past and remembering all of the fun things I have been accused of doing, LOL.
Stella

FOUND A NEW WAY TO GET DATES

This won't work until after the elections are finalized but it might bring in a whole new batch of suitors for the old girl. I figure I will get dressed up in my finest rags and head out to the bars and just casually mention to the bartender (and those close enough to over hear) that I have two tickets to the inaugural balls in Washington, D.C. plus free round trip airfare and hotel accommodations. The line forms to the right. I mean who wouldn't want to join me for a trip like that. No, I don't really have all of those thing mentioned above but by the time they realize that I will be too tired to care and they will be also. Stella has hit a dry spell and needs the attention of gentlemen callers of the quality type.

If you are thinking that I'm being unfair and a bitch...Okay, you're right but is it any worse than the lies that are told in bars everywhere every night? "Of course I'll respect you in the morning", "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met", "My wife doesn't understand me and I'm going to divorce her and marry you" just to mention a few. Let me assure you, if he is cheating on his wife, he will cheat on you. Just enjoy being spoiled for awhile and don't take life so seriously. And actually 2 out of 3 of my lies can actually come true. We won't be going to Washington, but we can lay up in my bed and watch the affairs on television. But instead of buying a new ball gown I can just buy a new teddy (if they make them for the large Marge type girls that is). So, who's going to be the first to steal my idea?
Stella

WHERE THE HELL IS MIKEY? I'LL TELL YOU

He has been working on that stupid book of his. Like someone wants to read his short stories. What he should be doing is writing about my life, because if he doesn't I may just decide to write a book about his life. See, he thinks that when I'm sleeping I don't know what he's doing. Wrong buffalo breath. Not only do I know what he did but I also know all of the people that he did it with. Trust me when I tell you that he doesn't want that to happen and neither do they by the way. A girl could probably make enough off of that book to get a whole new wardrobe, shoes and all. You know I'm going to give that some serious thought. He's not doing anything for me right now, kind of ignoring the girl.

And since Mikey decided not to run for president I've decided to put my name in for consideration for vice president. Hell I know more about vice, vice cops and Washington, D.C. than most and wouldn't be better to have me where I can do the best work for my country, what with the dignitaries from other countries. Plus, you can keep a better eye on me if you know where I am. And if you need a congressman or senator to agree with you, well I have my own powers of persuasion if you get my drift.
Kisses to you all,
Stella

TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT PROTECTING IDENTITY

You know you keep hearing about it on TV, reading about it in the paper and now it's coming into your email box. Honestly, if someone can get credit using my credentials just tell me how and I will give it to you. Here is a kicker for you, my credit sucks. It takes a lot of money to be "The Stella". Lots and lots of make-up, wigs, finger nails and do you have a clue as to what it cost for good eyelashes? Anyway, someone was stupid enough to try and use me, not like that kitten I like that, but tried to get credit in my name and using their address and phone number. Guess what, now my bill collectors are calling and harassing them and leaving me alone. So let this be a lesson to all of you out there too lazy to get of your dead asses and start making money the old fashion way, the bill collectors may be after you next if the law doesn't catch you first. Then again, maybe you will MEAT up with the man of your dreams in the big house.

Okay, that's it for today, just thought you might enjoy a laugh.
Stella
p.s. GO HILLARY ALL THE WAY BACK TO 1600 PENSYLVANIA AVENUE

NO DAY AT THE BEACH

Okay, so the other day I decided to take a trip to the beach. I live in St. Petersburg, Florida and the beach is just a hop, skip and a jump away and the more sun I get, the less make-up I have to wear and that makes life easier. I take the back roads because they're faster and less traveled but one cop had to be out there. I got pulled over and was asked for my license and registration. Well, there was one problem, I had the one made for me and I was dressed like Mikey. (It's just easier going to the beach, I'm sure that you understand. ) Right away he started getting hot under the collar, shame too because he was about 6'4", broad shoulders, small waist and blonde hair and blue eyes. Just my type. He said that the picture wasn't me and I assured him that it was only I had a lot more hair and make-up on at the time. Next he asked if I had been drinking and I said yes, diet Coke, see all of the empty cans on the floorboard. As he was looking he saw my 2 compartment medicine case marked am and pm and wanted to know what was in the case. I showed him that it was just my Xanax and Hydromorphone. He wanted to know if I just took one in the day time and the other at night. I told him no and he asked about the am/pm markings. I explained that one was for anger management and the other was for pain management. That was when he opened the door and told me to step out of the car.

He stood about 15 feet away from me and told me to walk straight towards him touching my nose with my index fingers one at a time. Well, I told him that I couldn't even think straight to begin with and in order to do as he instructed I needed a pair of pumps and he would have to put my BARBARA cd up loud. "So, are you trying to tell me that you are a drag queen?" He asked.
"I am a female illusionist," I corrected.
"Can you prove that?" He asked.
And I told him, "It would require you getting naked in the back seat of my car and be forewarned that from that point on the only donut that you will be interested in will be the one that you sit on."

I didn't make it to the beach that day or any day since, however, the big guy in blue and I have been seeing each other since. He's no Luke Perry or even a good substitute that can keep me on the phone for hours, but that long arm of the law is something that you have to experience first hand to really appreciate it.
Stella

ARE YOU LUKE PERRY???

Ever since I mentioned thinking about all of the things that I would like to do to Luke Perry's body I keep getting phone calls of all hours of the day and night from someone claiming to be Luke. He wants me to tell him all of the things that I want to do to his body. It can't be him, his voice has a nasal quality to it, unless of course he's now Clariton Clear. That would be a sell out and I don't think that he would want to change. Unless it was for me of course.

But this guy is really becoming a nuisance, keeping me on the phone for hours at a time. Okay, I'll admit that I like the phone sex thing, you don't have to get all dressed up or even take a shower for that. So I just pretend that it really is him and I tell him all of the things that I want to do to him or have him to do to me. Just kinky stuff, nothing perverted. In case you don't know the difference, kinky is when you use a feather and perverted is when you use the whole chicken. Stella is a southern gal and knows how to properly fry up a chicken. I ain't no Aunt Bea but then again, she can't do all of the things that I know how to do so we're even.

If you don't see anything posted here for awhile you will know that I am either out with Luke or the make believe Luke. I had also had a thing for David Duchovny for awhile and entertained thoughts of snagging him but I saw his wife in a movie and I might have to fight her for him. But since she looks too tough I decided to let him go.

Red heads are fickle, that's a known fact, so check in later and see who I am stalking currently or for more news on the Luke project, LOL.

Stella

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

Well it's that time of year again, the time when people ask "WHY DOES THE EASTER BUNNY HIDE HIS EGGS?" And Stella is here to give you the dirt. Its because he is screwing a chicken. I know, some of you are saying, "Stella, no, that can't be." But yes it's true, a very well kept secret until now, hell even the ones who make it past the egg stage are called "PEEPS".

My days of getting out there with the ankle biting rug rats are over. No more candy covered sticky fingers around my house. I don't do egg rolls (unless they come from the Chinese carry-out) and won't stoop for egg hunts. Actually, now that my girth has caught up with my age I don't stoop for anything anymore. Nope, when Easter comes along I go out and stock up on eggs and make more eggnog, lots and lots of eggnog. I use the one dozen egg/one gallon of rum recipe.

Then draw the drapes, lock all of the doors and put on my Perry Como records while I read the expose of Clark and Lois by Perry White and dream about all of the things I want to do to Luke Perry's body. Like he could keep up with me. Just because he was on OZ for awhile, doesn't mean he can keep up with the likes of me but I would be willing to give him a try. Just in case any of you out there know him, feel free to pass on the message.

So enjoy your day with the family, eat your green ham and colored eggs and think of me sitting in the living room in my lounger and wearing my Easter bonnet and getting snookered on eggnog.

Love, if you need it,
Stella

THINKING ABOUT MY FUTURE

Dear Adoring Fans; Been out of the loop taking care of Mikey for awhile, he has been under the weather lately. And this got me to thinking, yes there is a brain under this redneck red hair. What if he decides to drop out of the race and throw his support to someone else? I don't get to be first lady and that is not sitting well with me. The only candidate I would even think of shacking up with is John Edwards and he is married. Then it dawned on me, Hillery is going to need a first lady. I can't piture Bill Jeff in a dress, unless he was trying to get into mine and I would help him.

Rumor has it that Hillery might actually be playing for our team and that would mean she wouldn't require sex from me and that would just about be great. But I will have to insist on picking my own secret service guys (and believe me, there will be some secrets to tell). I really want Mikey to see this thing all the way thru, but just in case. Any thoughts on the subject?
Stella

WELL, AT LEAST IN ST. PETERSBURG, FL, WE HAVE THE IRISH VOTE

Mikey doesn't like to go out drinking on St. Patrick's day/night, he calls it amatuer drinking. So, I put on my Colleen the Irish maid outfit, with the Shamrock shaped knee pads (I have them for every occasion) and I set out for the bars. When you drink Irish coffee it does crazy things to your body, caffeine and booze don't mix. But it kept me up all night (so to speak) and we sang Irish songs by the piano at one bar (actually I was under the piano) then I hit some of the other bars around town. Lesbians were falling in love with me, and I had the leather men on their knees praying to be wipped. (Who knew that could be so much fun?) And then there were the preppy bars. They were not sure what to make of Miss Stella, but I managed to convince them that Mikey was the best candidate out there. One person, a very inteligent man I must admit, said that if Bill Clinton had met me instead of Hillery and or Monica, he would still be president. It is hard to argue with that kind of logic.

April Fools day is just around the corner and I have been making a list of tricks. But Mikey says that you are suposed to pull pranks, not tricks. No wonder he sleeps alone. I have a couple of shout outs to do here. Jen, bring Ker up to date, this date, and let him really take a walk on the wild side. Don't let him go to Dorothy, he would kill her, he needs a real wild woman, someone like Stella that can teach him a few new tricks. And Sandy, about those bookings? Not to worry, I will give Nigel back when I am finished with him, and his brother. And I can do a little mind control on my own so you need not worry for my sake. I also keep a bottle of garlic powder in my purse. Babs, June is not that far away and we need to help the Grads and the Dads celibraite and drum up some more votes for Mikey. Are you down for that girl. Gussy up and bring the firewater.
Love you all,
Stella
p.s. Grandma Jeni, you are being awfully quiet these days, what is up with that, Don't let Stella scare you off, I will be going back to DC soon.

WHY WOULD ST. PATRICK CHASE THE SNAKES AWAY?

Those poor snakes, especially the one eyed variety, driven out of Ireland. Thankfully, many of these found their way to the USA and Florida especially. Stella likes the Irish boys (18+ so they can vote). Got some comments and questions to discuss. Katie (must be Irish), sorry that I haven't had the chance to read you story line yet, but as for me, I never found myself in a situation that I couldn't blow my way out of. Not that I really tried, mind you and the real reason tha shaws were invented was to keep the knees dry and comfortable. And while I'm not quite sure what you mean by too far or too much, well there are some things that you just can't have too much of, chocolate, money and men come to mind right away. And I will let a man know if he tries too far (at that particular moment). Hope that helped.

Jen, Be nice to Dorothy. I have gotten to know her better with our plans to go cross country together. Turns out we like different kinds of guys so we are cool. And if she wants that old Irish Duke, I say go for it. He is kinda hot, but actually a little old for me. I don't understand why Lorcan is his second, I would make him my first (lol). And it is not that you are really a bad influence on Mikey, but it seems that he just doesn't want to go out of the house and chasing the men like he used to do. Once upon a time he has so many notches on his belt that he had to get a new one. Men used to chase him like he had money falling out of his pockets. Good looking men. Now all he wants to do is write. The story of his life will have to wait though, mine comes first. Then I will write my memories of my days (and nights) as the first lady. Stella