THIS IS ONE FASHION THAT I DON'T LIKE

Anyone who really knows Stella knows that she is an ASS MAN, I mean WOMAN, yeah Woman. This new style of wearing pants sagging is killing me and depriving me of the look of a nice butt here or there. But fear not, I have found a cure and maybe it will work for you also. First you must find a water pistol that looks real and fill it with half water and half vinegar (like you do when you are training a cat). Then walk down the sidewalk and especially watch for the ones holding their pants up with their hands. Squirt them in the face with the solution that will only sting and not hurt them and when their pants fall use your cell phone to snap a picture and email it to all of your friends, including me. Then run like hell. His pants are down so you have a head start. Your heart will be racing and the rush of it all will keep your heart pumping great for a couple of days. Maybe by doing this we can make them start wearing belts and we will have done our job to make America pretty once again. Also, Walmart is a fun place to do this and to collect other fashion sloppy pictures. Squirt them just for the hell of it.
Okay, back to working on my book.
Stella

A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE WITH STELLA DALLAS

Well Dear Fans, I have to tell you that the slacker who promised NANO that he would write 50,000 words during the month of November and only wound up with 20,022. He has promised that he will continue to write until his novel about me is in pristine shape and that he will be able to tell the world about me and make tons of money for the two of us. Question? Is 1% actually a good thing for me? He assures me that it is fair since all I have to do is talk about myself and I love doing that so maybe he's right. But I need some new clothes and it cost money to cover this lovely body of mine. Working the streets with sequined knee pads isn't cheap and it's depleting my income but then again they do get me noticed on the streets. Do you have any idea at all how uncomfortable they are to kneel in, it was bad enough having to sit on them. Any way, he says that he was sick and what with the holidays coming up he may not get back to the book until after them. This coming from a person who says his favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" doesn't really sound like he has the spirit. But he did get a good start on the book, lordy did he ask a lot of questions. But it was fun dredging up the past and remembering all of the fun things I have been accused of doing, LOL.
Stella

FOUND A NEW WAY TO GET DATES

This won't work until after the elections are finalized but it might bring in a whole new batch of suitors for the old girl. I figure I will get dressed up in my finest rags and head out to the bars and just casually mention to the bartender (and those close enough to over hear) that I have two tickets to the inaugural balls in Washington, D.C. plus free round trip airfare and hotel accommodations. The line forms to the right. I mean who wouldn't want to join me for a trip like that. No, I don't really have all of those thing mentioned above but by the time they realize that I will be too tired to care and they will be also. Stella has hit a dry spell and needs the attention of gentlemen callers of the quality type.

If you are thinking that I'm being unfair and a bitch...Okay, you're right but is it any worse than the lies that are told in bars everywhere every night? "Of course I'll respect you in the morning", "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met", "My wife doesn't understand me and I'm going to divorce her and marry you" just to mention a few. Let me assure you, if he is cheating on his wife, he will cheat on you. Just enjoy being spoiled for awhile and don't take life so seriously. And actually 2 out of 3 of my lies can actually come true. We won't be going to Washington, but we can lay up in my bed and watch the affairs on television. But instead of buying a new ball gown I can just buy a new teddy (if they make them for the large Marge type girls that is). So, who's going to be the first to steal my idea?
Stella

IDLE TIME

The last thing that you want to give a mad drag queen with a twisted sense of humor is idle time. I know because that's what happened to me yesterday and I went from drug store to drug store and department store to department store and played with all of the cosmetic samples that were on display. I have to tell you, the drug stores were the nicest and many of them knew drag queens so they weren't all that alarmed. But the department stores, especially the high end types were going crazy. All of these old broads, dripping in zircon trying to pass them off as diamonds and working as clerks were having conniption fits. "But you're a man, this if for women." was what I kept hearing. Then I explained that I wanted to get in touch with my feminine side and they were speechless and just let me play. No fun. So I started stopping other customers and asking their opinion. The clerks were contemplating calling security but not sure if they wanted to cause a scene and the customers, mostly women thought that it was cool that a man knew what they had to do to be beautiful and again just let me play while I was drawing a crowd. I got bored and left.

PUBLISH OR NOT TO PUBLISH

Hello Gang, Yeah, been away for awhile, trying to make some money for Mikey's campaign and I am going broke buying new knee pads (and having so much fun that I forget to collect). So, I got to thinking, maybe I should publish my life story, and names, dates and places. Or, if the price is right (and this is fund raising, not blackmail here), I might forget to put you in there. Does that work for everyone? And if you live on this planet, chances are we have met, or know some of the same people, and you know how queens kiss and tell, so lets get those donations rolling in.
Thank you Mr. Bailey for you comment and interest. And by the way, I love your Irish Cream, who knew you were Irish. LOL But I can't find you to thank you personally. (ROF) You can reach Mikey at theauthormike@yahoo.com, he works as my agent. Then there is my girl, Hillery, boy is she talking like she has a pair swinging. You go girl, Mikey will always be here for me or actually both of us if you think you can handle it. Keep going, the debates between you and Mikey are sure going to be something to watch. I will be hosting Missy Dorothy here soon and you sure don't want to miss that (She asked for it, and I am known for my generosity.) LOL
Stella

WELL, AT LEAST IN ST. PETERSBURG, FL, WE HAVE THE IRISH VOTE

Mikey doesn't like to go out drinking on St. Patrick's day/night, he calls it amatuer drinking. So, I put on my Colleen the Irish maid outfit, with the Shamrock shaped knee pads (I have them for every occasion) and I set out for the bars. When you drink Irish coffee it does crazy things to your body, caffeine and booze don't mix. But it kept me up all night (so to speak) and we sang Irish songs by the piano at one bar (actually I was under the piano) then I hit some of the other bars around town. Lesbians were falling in love with me, and I had the leather men on their knees praying to be wipped. (Who knew that could be so much fun?) And then there were the preppy bars. They were not sure what to make of Miss Stella, but I managed to convince them that Mikey was the best candidate out there. One person, a very inteligent man I must admit, said that if Bill Clinton had met me instead of Hillery and or Monica, he would still be president. It is hard to argue with that kind of logic.

April Fools day is just around the corner and I have been making a list of tricks. But Mikey says that you are suposed to pull pranks, not tricks. No wonder he sleeps alone. I have a couple of shout outs to do here. Jen, bring Ker up to date, this date, and let him really take a walk on the wild side. Don't let him go to Dorothy, he would kill her, he needs a real wild woman, someone like Stella that can teach him a few new tricks. And Sandy, about those bookings? Not to worry, I will give Nigel back when I am finished with him, and his brother. And I can do a little mind control on my own so you need not worry for my sake. I also keep a bottle of garlic powder in my purse. Babs, June is not that far away and we need to help the Grads and the Dads celibraite and drum up some more votes for Mikey. Are you down for that girl. Gussy up and bring the firewater.
Love you all,
Stella
p.s. Grandma Jeni, you are being awfully quiet these days, what is up with that, Don't let Stella scare you off, I will be going back to DC soon.

WHY WOULD ST. PATRICK CHASE THE SNAKES AWAY?

Those poor snakes, especially the one eyed variety, driven out of Ireland. Thankfully, many of these found their way to the USA and Florida especially. Stella likes the Irish boys (18+ so they can vote). Got some comments and questions to discuss. Katie (must be Irish), sorry that I haven't had the chance to read you story line yet, but as for me, I never found myself in a situation that I couldn't blow my way out of. Not that I really tried, mind you and the real reason tha shaws were invented was to keep the knees dry and comfortable. And while I'm not quite sure what you mean by too far or too much, well there are some things that you just can't have too much of, chocolate, money and men come to mind right away. And I will let a man know if he tries too far (at that particular moment). Hope that helped.

Jen, Be nice to Dorothy. I have gotten to know her better with our plans to go cross country together. Turns out we like different kinds of guys so we are cool. And if she wants that old Irish Duke, I say go for it. He is kinda hot, but actually a little old for me. I don't understand why Lorcan is his second, I would make him my first (lol). And it is not that you are really a bad influence on Mikey, but it seems that he just doesn't want to go out of the house and chasing the men like he used to do. Once upon a time he has so many notches on his belt that he had to get a new one. Men used to chase him like he had money falling out of his pockets. Good looking men. Now all he wants to do is write. The story of his life will have to wait though, mine comes first. Then I will write my memories of my days (and nights) as the first lady. Stella

PICKING A PARTY

Mikey left me a note telling me that we have to pick a party affiliation and he wants to something different than the usual Democratic, Republican and Independent Parties. Well hell, I'm up for almost anykind of party as long as there are a lot of hot men there. But then I figured out what he ment (boring). He says that he is thinking of starting "THE WRITERS PARTY" and now we just need some slogans to go along with it and he asks that you give him any ideas that you might have. Okay, think about it because all I can think about is my inaugural ball gown. Mr. President here says that red is only for bullfighters and whores. I am sure that there is a point there that I am missing. And shoes, Omar might be able to make the gown, but where the hell am I going to get shoes? The feet we share swell up like crazy. Mikey says that keeping my legs in the air will bring the swelling down, like I didn't know that, but what about my feet? I guess I could pack them in ice.

I have been thinking about the rose garden. Can't we just have flowers delivered and plant vegetables out there? That would be great and we could feed the poor when they come to visit the White (I mean Lavender) House tours. Do they make bib overalls in red I wonder. And a big straw hat. Mikey and I haven't discussed that much, but he was trying to 86 it from my agenda. And some chicken coops so that we could have fresh eggs every morning, some hogs so that the bacon and sausage would be fresh. Mikey is a really great cook, some of you have heard him talk about that and for sure, he didn't get that fat by accident.

Get thinking about a slogan for his Writers Party and let me know and I will pass them on to him when he wakes up from his headaches. Stella, future First Lady

Mikey for President, Stella for First Lady

Okay, Mikey and I have been talking (yes, it is possible in the wonderful world of schizophrenia), and he has decided to put out feelers, no not that kind, for a possible run for the White House (which he wants to paint lavender and have the Rainbow Flag flying under the American flag). What the hell, everyone else seems to be running and he couldn't possibly do any worse than W. In fact, he has been making a lot of sense (and that is just not like him as those who know and love him already know). His goals are not that far fetched, like whirled peas I think that is what he said but I did have a few cocktails and it might have been world peace. Whatever! So long as I get to be the First Lady or should I say, the First Queen (openly that is). Trust me when I tell you that the parties at the White (?) House will never be the same. He can handle the politics, honestly they bore me, but the parties are mine. I have already started planning and the guest list is going to be a gas. Elton may be the queen of England, but he ain't seen nothing yet.

Meanwhile, he is trying to pick out his cabinet (like there aren't enough cabinets in that place). They will all be there. His wish list includes: Rosey O'Donnell as his Home Land Security Secretary; Ellen DeGenerous as his Secretary of Defense (I wouln't want to get in her way, would you?); Secretary of the Treasury would have to be Oprah Winfrey, she keeps giving money away and is still richer than rich and the list just goes on. I would much rather go back to planning the parties. Red dresses in every shade and black pumps to die for. At his request, the furs will be fake but they better look real. This could be a fun next couple of years. Personally, I can't wait to hit the campaign trail, New York; San Francisco; Miami; Dallas; Los Angeles and Atlanta, get ready, Mike and Stella are on their way.