FOUND A NEW WAY TO GET DATES

This won't work until after the elections are finalized but it might bring in a whole new batch of suitors for the old girl. I figure I will get dressed up in my finest rags and head out to the bars and just casually mention to the bartender (and those close enough to over hear) that I have two tickets to the inaugural balls in Washington, D.C. plus free round trip airfare and hotel accommodations. The line forms to the right. I mean who wouldn't want to join me for a trip like that. No, I don't really have all of those thing mentioned above but by the time they realize that I will be too tired to care and they will be also. Stella has hit a dry spell and needs the attention of gentlemen callers of the quality type.

If you are thinking that I'm being unfair and a bitch...Okay, you're right but is it any worse than the lies that are told in bars everywhere every night? "Of course I'll respect you in the morning", "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met", "My wife doesn't understand me and I'm going to divorce her and marry you" just to mention a few. Let me assure you, if he is cheating on his wife, he will cheat on you. Just enjoy being spoiled for awhile and don't take life so seriously. And actually 2 out of 3 of my lies can actually come true. We won't be going to Washington, but we can lay up in my bed and watch the affairs on television. But instead of buying a new ball gown I can just buy a new teddy (if they make them for the large Marge type girls that is). So, who's going to be the first to steal my idea?
Stella

IDLE TIME

The last thing that you want to give a mad drag queen with a twisted sense of humor is idle time. I know because that's what happened to me yesterday and I went from drug store to drug store and department store to department store and played with all of the cosmetic samples that were on display. I have to tell you, the drug stores were the nicest and many of them knew drag queens so they weren't all that alarmed. But the department stores, especially the high end types were going crazy. All of these old broads, dripping in zircon trying to pass them off as diamonds and working as clerks were having conniption fits. "But you're a man, this if for women." was what I kept hearing. Then I explained that I wanted to get in touch with my feminine side and they were speechless and just let me play. No fun. So I started stopping other customers and asking their opinion. The clerks were contemplating calling security but not sure if they wanted to cause a scene and the customers, mostly women thought that it was cool that a man knew what they had to do to be beautiful and again just let me play while I was drawing a crowd. I got bored and left.

STELLA AND HER MEDICATIONS

Hi, Mikey here subbing for Stella. I spoke to her earlier today, they let her out of the straight jacket long enough to call. It seems that Ms. Stella doesn't like to take her psych medications and some times get a little bit crazy, this was not one of those times. After being off of her pills for 4 days, she got out her best red dress, nylons, shoes, and pill box hat with the red veil and then checked the obituaries and started hitting the funerals pretending to be a relative (and I mean that in the loosest of terms). She actually made it to 3 of them before becoming arrested. It seems that the wife had some not-so-nice things to say to out Stella and being the royal bitch that Stella can be prompted to be (we all know that she is not normally like that) told the wife that she was so glad that she kept all of the instant pictures and the home movies that they had made from all of those hotel rooms. The woman went off the wall and started calling Stella a slew of nasty names and so she fought back the only way she knew how. She jumped up on the coffin and started screaming, "Come on Harry, one more time for old times sake". And that was when the police arrived. With any luck the family will understand about her medications but the wife will always wonder. Mikey

WHERE THE HELL IS MIKEY? I'LL TELL YOU

He has been working on that stupid book of his. Like someone wants to read his short stories. What he should be doing is writing about my life, because if he doesn't I may just decide to write a book about his life. See, he thinks that when I'm sleeping I don't know what he's doing. Wrong buffalo breath. Not only do I know what he did but I also know all of the people that he did it with. Trust me when I tell you that he doesn't want that to happen and neither do they by the way. A girl could probably make enough off of that book to get a whole new wardrobe, shoes and all. You know I'm going to give that some serious thought. He's not doing anything for me right now, kind of ignoring the girl.

And since Mikey decided not to run for president I've decided to put my name in for consideration for vice president. Hell I know more about vice, vice cops and Washington, D.C. than most and wouldn't be better to have me where I can do the best work for my country, what with the dignitaries from other countries. Plus, you can keep a better eye on me if you know where I am. And if you need a congressman or senator to agree with you, well I have my own powers of persuasion if you get my drift.
Kisses to you all,
Stella

TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT PROTECTING IDENTITY

You know you keep hearing about it on TV, reading about it in the paper and now it's coming into your email box. Honestly, if someone can get credit using my credentials just tell me how and I will give it to you. Here is a kicker for you, my credit sucks. It takes a lot of money to be "The Stella". Lots and lots of make-up, wigs, finger nails and do you have a clue as to what it cost for good eyelashes? Anyway, someone was stupid enough to try and use me, not like that kitten I like that, but tried to get credit in my name and using their address and phone number. Guess what, now my bill collectors are calling and harassing them and leaving me alone. So let this be a lesson to all of you out there too lazy to get of your dead asses and start making money the old fashion way, the bill collectors may be after you next if the law doesn't catch you first. Then again, maybe you will MEAT up with the man of your dreams in the big house.

Okay, that's it for today, just thought you might enjoy a laugh.
Stella
p.s. GO HILLARY ALL THE WAY BACK TO 1600 PENSYLVANIA AVENUE

NO DAY AT THE BEACH

Okay, so the other day I decided to take a trip to the beach. I live in St. Petersburg, Florida and the beach is just a hop, skip and a jump away and the more sun I get, the less make-up I have to wear and that makes life easier. I take the back roads because they're faster and less traveled but one cop had to be out there. I got pulled over and was asked for my license and registration. Well, there was one problem, I had the one made for me and I was dressed like Mikey. (It's just easier going to the beach, I'm sure that you understand. ) Right away he started getting hot under the collar, shame too because he was about 6'4", broad shoulders, small waist and blonde hair and blue eyes. Just my type. He said that the picture wasn't me and I assured him that it was only I had a lot more hair and make-up on at the time. Next he asked if I had been drinking and I said yes, diet Coke, see all of the empty cans on the floorboard. As he was looking he saw my 2 compartment medicine case marked am and pm and wanted to know what was in the case. I showed him that it was just my Xanax and Hydromorphone. He wanted to know if I just took one in the day time and the other at night. I told him no and he asked about the am/pm markings. I explained that one was for anger management and the other was for pain management. That was when he opened the door and told me to step out of the car.

He stood about 15 feet away from me and told me to walk straight towards him touching my nose with my index fingers one at a time. Well, I told him that I couldn't even think straight to begin with and in order to do as he instructed I needed a pair of pumps and he would have to put my BARBARA cd up loud. "So, are you trying to tell me that you are a drag queen?" He asked.
"I am a female illusionist," I corrected.
"Can you prove that?" He asked.
And I told him, "It would require you getting naked in the back seat of my car and be forewarned that from that point on the only donut that you will be interested in will be the one that you sit on."

I didn't make it to the beach that day or any day since, however, the big guy in blue and I have been seeing each other since. He's no Luke Perry or even a good substitute that can keep me on the phone for hours, but that long arm of the law is something that you have to experience first hand to really appreciate it.
Stella

ARE YOU LUKE PERRY???

Ever since I mentioned thinking about all of the things that I would like to do to Luke Perry's body I keep getting phone calls of all hours of the day and night from someone claiming to be Luke. He wants me to tell him all of the things that I want to do to his body. It can't be him, his voice has a nasal quality to it, unless of course he's now Clariton Clear. That would be a sell out and I don't think that he would want to change. Unless it was for me of course.

But this guy is really becoming a nuisance, keeping me on the phone for hours at a time. Okay, I'll admit that I like the phone sex thing, you don't have to get all dressed up or even take a shower for that. So I just pretend that it really is him and I tell him all of the things that I want to do to him or have him to do to me. Just kinky stuff, nothing perverted. In case you don't know the difference, kinky is when you use a feather and perverted is when you use the whole chicken. Stella is a southern gal and knows how to properly fry up a chicken. I ain't no Aunt Bea but then again, she can't do all of the things that I know how to do so we're even.

If you don't see anything posted here for awhile you will know that I am either out with Luke or the make believe Luke. I had also had a thing for David Duchovny for awhile and entertained thoughts of snagging him but I saw his wife in a movie and I might have to fight her for him. But since she looks too tough I decided to let him go.

Red heads are fickle, that's a known fact, so check in later and see who I am stalking currently or for more news on the Luke project, LOL.

Stella

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

Well it's that time of year again, the time when people ask "WHY DOES THE EASTER BUNNY HIDE HIS EGGS?" And Stella is here to give you the dirt. Its because he is screwing a chicken. I know, some of you are saying, "Stella, no, that can't be." But yes it's true, a very well kept secret until now, hell even the ones who make it past the egg stage are called "PEEPS".

My days of getting out there with the ankle biting rug rats are over. No more candy covered sticky fingers around my house. I don't do egg rolls (unless they come from the Chinese carry-out) and won't stoop for egg hunts. Actually, now that my girth has caught up with my age I don't stoop for anything anymore. Nope, when Easter comes along I go out and stock up on eggs and make more eggnog, lots and lots of eggnog. I use the one dozen egg/one gallon of rum recipe.

Then draw the drapes, lock all of the doors and put on my Perry Como records while I read the expose of Clark and Lois by Perry White and dream about all of the things I want to do to Luke Perry's body. Like he could keep up with me. Just because he was on OZ for awhile, doesn't mean he can keep up with the likes of me but I would be willing to give him a try. Just in case any of you out there know him, feel free to pass on the message.

So enjoy your day with the family, eat your green ham and colored eggs and think of me sitting in the living room in my lounger and wearing my Easter bonnet and getting snookered on eggnog.

Love, if you need it,
Stella

Well it has been a while, but I'm back. Got one real big problem though Mikey has decided to stay the hell out of the democratic race and he is too smart and too young to try and be a republican (besides which, he has all of his faculties about him, they don't seem to). I'm still a beg fan of Hillary but I'm not a lesbian, I want a man. Not to imply that Hillary is, I don't believe that for one minute. But I think that she is our best chance for a future that we can all live in.
Tonight it the last chance for num-nuts to deliver a state of the union address, wonder just how he will screw it up.

That John Edwards is certainly a hottie, but then again he is married too. What is an old drag queen to do? Start checking out the sons? Don't know if I could handle them younguns or not but I will sure give it the old college try. And I don't dare lay an eye on Obama, I would have to fight his wife and Oprah and that is just a little too much.

Not much to tell right now but I will be back when the battle for the White House heats up in February. And listen to an old broad, no matter who you vote for remember to vote. You don't know how much longer we will be able to so.
Stella